The holidays are an emotional time -- for our kids, I'd say it's mostly good emotions, except for having to listen to me say that Santa can still change his mind and leave a lump of coal in their stockings if they don't clean their rooms. For me, it is mostly good, too, but the holidays have become more melancholy as the years, and loved ones, have passed. The Christmas holiday was a special favorite of my late mother-in-law's, and I know that my husband's annual desire to buy a fresh-cut tree stems in large part from his childhood memories of their house -- Laila's house -- decked out it all its holiday glory. The family was never very religious, so theirs was a Christmas celebration in the American pop-culture sense, where it is okay to be happy and joyful, even if the "true meaning" of the holiday is heavily filtered, at best. She used to say that "Christmas is for the kids," so it is always bittersweet to watch our kids -- two of the four grandchildren she never met -- enjoying her favorite holiday.
It is sad, but fitting, that her birthday and the day she passed are bookends to Christmas. I always think of her on her birthday in mid-December, and immediately feel inadequate as I look around at my barely-decorated house and think about my yet-to-be-written Christmas shopping list. After the mad scramble of Christmas and New Year's, I am always reminded of her on the anniversary of the day she passed, remembering the sadness that filled the house, Laila's house, on that day.
And, inevitably, when I think of her passing, I think about her last Christmas with us, and all the Christmases she gave to her family over the years, and how she managed to make the holiday special. Happier times. I suppose this is one of the intangibles of the holidays: the imprint left by these occasions are somehow magnified over time. As the number of people we lose grows, the positive memories of these special times seem to expand to fill that void. Lai's Christmas day festivities, topped off by Christmas dinner on fine china. Memories of "Dad," my father-in-law, making his special signature Christmas morning dish -- the appropriately named, "Special" -- and the family calendars he would distribute, each child's, grandchild's, aunt's, uncle's, cousin's, son-in-law's, daughter-in-law's, and grandparent's birthday written in by hand. Memories of my father, always happiest in his element, surrounded by his brothers and their families, holidays filled with card games, mah jong and plenty of kids running around. Falling asleep in his lap after having too much fun with my cousins, and being carried off and tucked into bed.
If we are lucky, it is these happier holiday memories that endure -- and, hopefully, we manage to create some of these for our kids, too. Happy holidays, everybody.
Sunday, December 28, 2008
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
The "N" Word
I remember when our babysitter, Katy, reported to me that my daughter had told her that one of our books-on-tape had a bad word in it -- the "N-word" -- but we still listened to it anyway, even though mommy told them they could not use the word. I cringed. I had wondered when this would happen. When I would be exposed for allowing my children to listen to a tape that included the "N-word": nincompoop. Even though I used the word as I sang along with the Oompa Loompas as they described the fate of poor Augustus Gloop, I had admonished the kids that name-calling was not allowed, and they should especially not call each other nincompoop. I explained to Katy, who laughed, since she had already gotten my daughter to confide in her and tell her what the "N-word" was, at least in our household.
I am not sure when we had the conversation about the "N-word," the "J-word," the "C-word" and other racial epithets, but both of my children are well aware of these words now, and how these words have been used as instruments of hate and divisiveness over decades and decades of American history. Which is a good thing, since we were faced with a particularly ugly reminder about this issue on the eve of the election of Barack Obama as president.
On November 3rd, somebody spray painted the real N-word on the door of an African American teacher at one of our city's elementary schools. Even though the police had been called in, I could find no news reports about the incident until after the school district decided to inform the community about what had happened in an emailed letter dated November 21:
I am not sure when we had the conversation about the "N-word," the "J-word," the "C-word" and other racial epithets, but both of my children are well aware of these words now, and how these words have been used as instruments of hate and divisiveness over decades and decades of American history. Which is a good thing, since we were faced with a particularly ugly reminder about this issue on the eve of the election of Barack Obama as president.
On November 3rd, somebody spray painted the real N-word on the door of an African American teacher at one of our city's elementary schools. Even though the police had been called in, I could find no news reports about the incident until after the school district decided to inform the community about what had happened in an emailed letter dated November 21:
Dear Families of Piedmont Students:
On November 3rd, the day before the national election, a hate crime was perpetrated upon one of our teachers at Havens Elementary School. Specifically, a racial epithet was written on the wall outside of the teacher's office. To respect the victim's privacy, this information was not shared until now. A police report was filed within the hour, and the District is continuing to investigate. Although the offending word was removed within 20 minutes of being reported, the effects of this crime continue to reverberate; this event has hurt our community.
The Piedmont Unified School District will not allow the benign acceptance of hate crimes. In the coming weeks, we will examine how we as a District and community can work together to strengthen our collective response to hate crimes in Piedmont. The Appreciating Diversity Committee has already met to support this work and discuss with us a course of action. We ask for your input and your active participation in our work ahead. On behalf of the District, though saddened by this incident, I look forward to working together to move us forward in a positive way.
Sincerely,
Constance Hubbard
Superintendent
To date, this is the only official information we have been given about the incident. There was scant coverage of the incident in our local papers; you can read one online news account here.
After we returned from Thanksgiving break, information slowly trickled through the community that the perpetrators were rumored to be three seventh grade boys from the middle school. Their identities -- although kept hush hush by the school district -- were pretty well known within the school, since all three boys were suspended. Those five days may have seemed long to the individuals involved, but I was taken aback when I realized that this was the extent of their suspension.
I attended the school board meeting last night, with my children, to hear the presentation by the board and a handful of speakers on this topic. I expected to hear some anonymous details about what the punishment was for these boys, whether the police were involved, etc. Unfortunately, there was merely a vague statement about working with the victim in determining the consequences for the perpetrators of this hate crime, and that was about it. There was talk about "formulating policy" to deal with such incidences in the future. All of this is well and good, and definitely necessary -- but why the shroud of secrecy? Shouldn't the community at least be informed that the perpetrators have been caught and what their punishment was?
The only fact that made me feel better about this is that I learned through my many discussions with other parents that the five-day suspension seems to be the maximum sentence that is given out around here, even for the most serious infraction. Even if you stab somebody in wood shop. Or stalk another child and assault him on the way home. After you are caught and found guilty of such crimes in Piedmont, you serve your five-day suspension, and you are back at school, good to go. As if nothing happened. Good for the perpetrators, not so good for the victim/classmate in the cases of the stabbing and assault. At least the perpetrators in the hate crime incident are students on a different school site, so the targeted teacher does not have to run into them on a daily basis.
When I first heard that the rumored perpetrators were children that I knew, I was in shock. But even more shocking has been the silence around this incident, the suppression of information that might lead to a reaction from the community at large. As one parent said to me, "In many other communities, an incident like this would have led to loud outrage." Definitely not the case here. With virtually no information about the incident, the district has managed to muffle what little reaction there has been, or might have been.
The perpetrators are back at school now. As if nothing happened.
After we returned from Thanksgiving break, information slowly trickled through the community that the perpetrators were rumored to be three seventh grade boys from the middle school. Their identities -- although kept hush hush by the school district -- were pretty well known within the school, since all three boys were suspended. Those five days may have seemed long to the individuals involved, but I was taken aback when I realized that this was the extent of their suspension.
I attended the school board meeting last night, with my children, to hear the presentation by the board and a handful of speakers on this topic. I expected to hear some anonymous details about what the punishment was for these boys, whether the police were involved, etc. Unfortunately, there was merely a vague statement about working with the victim in determining the consequences for the perpetrators of this hate crime, and that was about it. There was talk about "formulating policy" to deal with such incidences in the future. All of this is well and good, and definitely necessary -- but why the shroud of secrecy? Shouldn't the community at least be informed that the perpetrators have been caught and what their punishment was?
The only fact that made me feel better about this is that I learned through my many discussions with other parents that the five-day suspension seems to be the maximum sentence that is given out around here, even for the most serious infraction. Even if you stab somebody in wood shop. Or stalk another child and assault him on the way home. After you are caught and found guilty of such crimes in Piedmont, you serve your five-day suspension, and you are back at school, good to go. As if nothing happened. Good for the perpetrators, not so good for the victim/classmate in the cases of the stabbing and assault. At least the perpetrators in the hate crime incident are students on a different school site, so the targeted teacher does not have to run into them on a daily basis.
When I first heard that the rumored perpetrators were children that I knew, I was in shock. But even more shocking has been the silence around this incident, the suppression of information that might lead to a reaction from the community at large. As one parent said to me, "In many other communities, an incident like this would have led to loud outrage." Definitely not the case here. With virtually no information about the incident, the district has managed to muffle what little reaction there has been, or might have been.
The perpetrators are back at school now. As if nothing happened.
UPDATE: 12 December 1008 -- I attended a middle school board meeting today, and was pleased that the principal started out the meeting with a discussion of this incident. Based on the reaction of the parents in the room, many of them were not aware that the perpetrators were from their child's school, and that they had already returned to school. When I asked about the length of the suspension, the administrator referred to a "maximum" suspension of five days, which I subsequently found in the California Education Code. (At least I now know that there is some basis for the five day limit. However, based on the Education Code, it seems that there is also some discretion in applying a "suspension" versus suspending a child pending possible expulsion, where a child could feasibly be suspended for longer than five days and ultimately returned to the school without being expelled.) In this case, it seems that a longer suspension-pending-expulsion-hearing might have been in the best interest of the perpetrators, who were out of school just long enough for kids to figure out who they were -- and then returned to school to face their peers. The principal reported that the perpetrators had been subjected to some verbal harassment, and that this was being dealt with through a mediation that was set for that morning. It was encouraging to see that the principal was sensitive to the fact that some students would feel some animosity towards the perpetrators, and had taken efforts to stop the escalation of this sentiment. Some parents in the meeting seemed surprised at the idea that other students would harbor ill will towards the perpetrators; as if all the kids should be expected to act as if nothing had happened. When I raised the issue of whether the perception that perpetrators' suspension was rather brief fed into the frustrations felt by students and the broader community, the response of other parents in the room reflected the sentiment that such "details" should not matter now, that this issue is over and done with, just a prank that the perpetrators didn't really understand, and what we need to do now is immediately move on and "heal" the community. Apparently, for some, there is no connection between the details and the processing of the issues at hand.
It will be interesting to see how we progress. On the one hand, there were many voices who spoke and said all the right things, and the school seems to be taking a pro-active stance to prevent this from becoming a bigger issue than it already is. However, at the same time, there seemed to be more emphasis on encouraging compassion for the perpetrators and fearing for their safety, rather than trying to understand, validate or acknowledge the animosity felt towards them because of what they did.
Perhaps, in this community, it is more important to show compassion towards boys -- who will be boys -- rather than actually attempting to understand the wounds from which we are trying to heal.
UPDATE: I was waiting to post quotes from local press articles that I assumed would be printed after the meeting, giving more details about what had happened. The Piedmonter, one of our two local newspapers, stated in an article on December 19, 2008: "[t]hree 12-year old Piedmont boys are waiting to learn their punishment for spray-painting the 'N' word across a Havens Elementary School wall." The timing was interesting, since we know the boys had already returned from their suspensions at that point. However, I am grateful to The Piedmonter for treating this issue as newsworthy, and at least attempting to provide some follow-up information regarding the perpetrators. It is more information than we have received from the school district or any other local paper.
UPDATE: I was waiting to post quotes from local press articles that I assumed would be printed after the meeting, giving more details about what had happened. The Piedmonter, one of our two local newspapers, stated in an article on December 19, 2008: "[t]hree 12-year old Piedmont boys are waiting to learn their punishment for spray-painting the 'N' word across a Havens Elementary School wall." The timing was interesting, since we know the boys had already returned from their suspensions at that point. However, I am grateful to The Piedmonter for treating this issue as newsworthy, and at least attempting to provide some follow-up information regarding the perpetrators. It is more information than we have received from the school district or any other local paper.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Oyama Mama Lawn Sign Drama
It has been just over a week since the election, and I am still quite happy about it. This seems to be a common phenomenon within the Obama-nation. I had the opportunity to travel with my family to Seattle for the long weekend, and you could just sense the joy as we traveled to another blue state. My "Japanese Americans for Obama" button sparked joyful comments by random, happy strangers. One person suggested we start the process of passing a constitutional amendment to allow Obama to serve three terms.
Unfortunately, my joy is not shared by everyone. A couple of my neighbors, in particular, seem tired of the Obama afterglow, so much so that they have told me -- not asked me, but told me -- that I should take down my lawn signs. "You really can take the signs down now. We know he won. You can take the signs down." Both neighbors made their suggestions separately, on two different days -- one on the day after election day (when I was putting out my second and third Obama signs that I had just gotten in Ohio), and the other just today, as I was taking out the trash and attempting to do some yard work. They made their suggestions to me in a nice, polite manner, of course, but I could not help thinking: would I have done the same to them, had the tables been turned? After pondering this question over several Dilletante chocolates, I have come to the conclusion that no, I would not have felt entitled to tell them what they should do with their McCain Palin lawn signs, even if they did make me feel like puking (had the Republicans won). McCain was on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno last night, commenting that "America does not want a sore loser." Apparently, my McCain-supporting neighbors did not get that message.
I think I am going to leave my original sign out on my lawn until the inauguration. It has been up since the primaries, and I think it is fitting that I keep it displayed until he takes the oath of office on January 20th, 2009.
Hey, maybe I'll make a countdown lawn sign:
ONLY 67 DAYS UNTIL OBAMA PRESIDENTIAL INAUGURATION
A new normal
I had to take a break from this blog in order to start a new one, Oyama for Obama -- oyamaforobama.blogspot.com -- where you can go to read more about how I ended up in Ohio!
My life has returned to normal, for the most part. I have stopped obsessing about the election and all things Obama and Palin. Okay, I did make a beeline towards a television monitor in the airport yesterday when I saw Sarah Palin trying to say something. And I have discovered the joy of the Anderson Cooper 360 video podcast, so I can get a daily politics fix when it is convenient for me and my family's schedule. This is quite different from my pre-election schedule, which resulted in my family's needs being pushed aside as I sat in front of the television, motionless except for my fingers pushing the "favorites" button on the remote so I could scroll between CNN, MSNBC, Fox and the major networks, occasionally setting it down and typing furiously into my laptop.
The day I returned from Ohio, I rushed to the market and bought some dinner fixin's, determined to make a home-cooked meal for my neglected family. I would announce my homecoming with a culinary gift. Or so I thought. My son stopped by as I sat in the kitchen, catching up on email, and asked, "What are we having for dinner?"
"Chicken and rice and vegetables."
"Oh," he says, clearly deflated.
"Well, do you want something else? What have you been eating while I've been gone?"
"Ramen, instant yakisoba, cheesesteaks ..."
"See? That's what I thought! Wouldn't you like to have a home cooked meal tonight?"
"Not really. Can we have some ramen?"
Sigh. I appreciated that he said the word with the Japanese pronunciation, rather than the American English version that suggested we were eating uncooked male homo sapiens. Why fight it? "Okay," I say, "you can have ramen." I find the bag of groceries I had bought five days earlier, which still contained a few unused packages of ramen and start boiling water. My husband was at a meeting, so I would worry about what to feed him later. Suddenly, my daughter shouted from the other room -- "Mom?!!! Don't I have a basketball evaluation tonight?" Oops. I had completely forgotten about that. I directed my son on how to finish making the ramen himself, and took my daughter to the gym, just in time for the evaluation.
The other moms at the gym asked me about my trip, and I told them about visiting with my relatives in Michigan, the Ohio voter protection project, the inordinately high numbers of provisional ballots at the polling place I worked at the day before, the excitement of being in Ohio when it was called for Obama, and the elation my friend Debbie felt when an apparent McCain supporter at the airport the day after election day told her she was "disgusting" for coming out to Ohio to do voter protection work -- although startled at first, once the woman's remarks sunk in, Debbie was happy to take the blame for McCain losing the election. The other moms all expressed gratitude, often recounting their own contribution to Obama's campaign, whether it be phone banking or volunteering in Nevada. There was a collective feeling of accomplishment, with each of us contributing in different ways.
Seeing Barack and Michelle Obama walk across that stage with their daughters at Grant Park the night before was the first hint of our reward. The efforts of a nation, the dreams of generations, all pinned on our new president-elect. Today is a new day. Hope has replaced cynicism. As I settle back into my normal life, I am looking forward to a new normal, where we are not afraid to hope for better, and want to be a part of this transformation. Change is good.
Let the countdown to inauguration day begin!
My life has returned to normal, for the most part. I have stopped obsessing about the election and all things Obama and Palin. Okay, I did make a beeline towards a television monitor in the airport yesterday when I saw Sarah Palin trying to say something. And I have discovered the joy of the Anderson Cooper 360 video podcast, so I can get a daily politics fix when it is convenient for me and my family's schedule. This is quite different from my pre-election schedule, which resulted in my family's needs being pushed aside as I sat in front of the television, motionless except for my fingers pushing the "favorites" button on the remote so I could scroll between CNN, MSNBC, Fox and the major networks, occasionally setting it down and typing furiously into my laptop.
The day I returned from Ohio, I rushed to the market and bought some dinner fixin's, determined to make a home-cooked meal for my neglected family. I would announce my homecoming with a culinary gift. Or so I thought. My son stopped by as I sat in the kitchen, catching up on email, and asked, "What are we having for dinner?"
"Chicken and rice and vegetables."
"Oh," he says, clearly deflated.
"Well, do you want something else? What have you been eating while I've been gone?"
"Ramen, instant yakisoba, cheesesteaks ..."
"See? That's what I thought! Wouldn't you like to have a home cooked meal tonight?"
"Not really. Can we have some ramen?"
Sigh. I appreciated that he said the word with the Japanese pronunciation, rather than the American English version that suggested we were eating uncooked male homo sapiens. Why fight it? "Okay," I say, "you can have ramen." I find the bag of groceries I had bought five days earlier, which still contained a few unused packages of ramen and start boiling water. My husband was at a meeting, so I would worry about what to feed him later. Suddenly, my daughter shouted from the other room -- "Mom?!!! Don't I have a basketball evaluation tonight?" Oops. I had completely forgotten about that. I directed my son on how to finish making the ramen himself, and took my daughter to the gym, just in time for the evaluation.
The other moms at the gym asked me about my trip, and I told them about visiting with my relatives in Michigan, the Ohio voter protection project, the inordinately high numbers of provisional ballots at the polling place I worked at the day before, the excitement of being in Ohio when it was called for Obama, and the elation my friend Debbie felt when an apparent McCain supporter at the airport the day after election day told her she was "disgusting" for coming out to Ohio to do voter protection work -- although startled at first, once the woman's remarks sunk in, Debbie was happy to take the blame for McCain losing the election. The other moms all expressed gratitude, often recounting their own contribution to Obama's campaign, whether it be phone banking or volunteering in Nevada. There was a collective feeling of accomplishment, with each of us contributing in different ways.
Seeing Barack and Michelle Obama walk across that stage with their daughters at Grant Park the night before was the first hint of our reward. The efforts of a nation, the dreams of generations, all pinned on our new president-elect. Today is a new day. Hope has replaced cynicism. As I settle back into my normal life, I am looking forward to a new normal, where we are not afraid to hope for better, and want to be a part of this transformation. Change is good.
Let the countdown to inauguration day begin!
Monday, October 20, 2008
I should wear lipstick
We are late for an appointment with the oral surgeon. Since I had been to the oral surgeon's office multiple times over the past year and a half, I was sure I knew where the office was and arrived just in time ... at the dentist's office. By that point, I had realized that I was at the wrong building, but since I had also forgotten my cell phone, I decided to go to the dentist's office to ask for directions to the oral surgeon. "Hi, I have an embarrassing question to ask ..."
After the very nice receptionist gave me directions, we drove for another two miles to the correct office. It looks vaguely familiar. My daughter and I sign in at the oral surgeon's office and settle in for a wait. Apparently, we both decide to read something that seems interesting, in small, sporadic doses. She picks up one of the I Spy books. I pick up The New Yorker.
As she searches away, she is stumped by one of the descriptions. "Mom? What does 'pot-bellied' mean?" I look over at the book, thinking it might be referring to a pot-bellied pig. I am a little surprised to see that it reads, "Find a pot-bellied man."
I think about describing what this means, and realize I can do this very quickly, with very little effort. "This is a pot belly," I say, pointing to the squishy, pillow-like gathering of flesh that looks like it is sitting on my lap.
"Oh -- okay," says my daughter, quickly locating the pot-bellied man in her book.
Sigh.
After the very nice receptionist gave me directions, we drove for another two miles to the correct office. It looks vaguely familiar. My daughter and I sign in at the oral surgeon's office and settle in for a wait. Apparently, we both decide to read something that seems interesting, in small, sporadic doses. She picks up one of the I Spy books. I pick up The New Yorker.
As she searches away, she is stumped by one of the descriptions. "Mom? What does 'pot-bellied' mean?" I look over at the book, thinking it might be referring to a pot-bellied pig. I am a little surprised to see that it reads, "Find a pot-bellied man."
I think about describing what this means, and realize I can do this very quickly, with very little effort. "This is a pot belly," I say, pointing to the squishy, pillow-like gathering of flesh that looks like it is sitting on my lap.
"Oh -- okay," says my daughter, quickly locating the pot-bellied man in her book.
Sigh.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Lice & DDT
We have somehow managed to avoid lice in our household, although I am not sure how. It seems to be rampant in our community, and my daughter's school sends home "the lice letter" with regularity -- I doubt if anybody even reads it anymore. When I told my mother that several of my daughter's friends had had lice this past year, she was shocked. "Here? Why would they have lice here? We never had to worry about that when you were little."
I thought back to my elementary school days in Los Angeles, and could remember only one time when I heard about lice: third grade, Robert Fernandez. I remember this because he was the only kid I ever knew who had lice.
"Did you have lice in Japan, when you were growing up?" I asked my mother. She answered in Japanese: "Oh, sure, during the war -- everybody had lice, kids and adults. But that was wartime! When the airplanes would come, we had to rush to hide in holes in the ground, covered by futon, all cowering together. You couldn't avoid it. Every night when we bathed, my mother would rinse our hair with vinegar, and comb cooking oil through our hair afterward. With four girls, this was a job all by itself.
"But I don't remember having lice problems after the war was over -- when the occupation soldiers came, they sprayed us all with DDT. They just lined us up and sprayed us, adults, kids, everybody. It looked like people had stuck their heads in a bag of flour -- our heads were completely covered with this white powder. Can you believe it? Makes me shudder to think about it now. We didn't know that DDT was harmful then. Besides, it's not like we could refuse to get sprayed ... but we didn't have lice after that!"
Okay, well that puts things into perspective. We'll do what we can to try to stay out of the lice cycle at our school, but if we do get any little lice companions coming home with my kids, we'll deal with it -- and be glad that we have never had to grow accustomed to the sound of bomber planes overhead.
Can't get DDT? American Academy of Pediatrics gives a thumbs up to malathion.
"Did you have lice in Japan, when you were growing up?" I asked my mother. She answered in Japanese: "Oh, sure, during the war -- everybody had lice, kids and adults. But that was wartime! When the airplanes would come, we had to rush to hide in holes in the ground, covered by futon, all cowering together. You couldn't avoid it. Every night when we bathed, my mother would rinse our hair with vinegar, and comb cooking oil through our hair afterward. With four girls, this was a job all by itself.
"But I don't remember having lice problems after the war was over -- when the occupation soldiers came, they sprayed us all with DDT. They just lined us up and sprayed us, adults, kids, everybody. It looked like people had stuck their heads in a bag of flour -- our heads were completely covered with this white powder. Can you believe it? Makes me shudder to think about it now. We didn't know that DDT was harmful then. Besides, it's not like we could refuse to get sprayed ... but we didn't have lice after that!"
Okay, well that puts things into perspective. We'll do what we can to try to stay out of the lice cycle at our school, but if we do get any little lice companions coming home with my kids, we'll deal with it -- and be glad that we have never had to grow accustomed to the sound of bomber planes overhead.
Can't get DDT? American Academy of Pediatrics gives a thumbs up to malathion.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
The Menstruation Tea
My daughter and I have been invited to “The Menstruation Tea,” also known by its more palatable name, the “Celebrating Changes Tea.” When I first heard about it, I was curious, the way that I feel about certain things when I visit a foreign country. I might understand the value in a local custom, but it might not necessarily be something I need to try myself. I would reserve judgment until I had more information -- especially since I like tea. I would be open-minded, even in my denial that I actually have a daughter who may have changes to celebrate sometime soon.
So, I waited. After a couple weeks, I received the pre-Evite email, which explained the format of the tea:
Part of the talk is going over what to expect in puberty (covering hair growth, body changes, breast development), a simple explanation of anatomy and periods and introduction to pads and tampons.
Okay. This sounds like it might be helpful, even though I am still in denial. I continue reading:
... The second part of the talk is mothers sharing their stories of their first period with the kids (on a voluntary basis of course). This is a vital part [of] opening communication between mothers and their daughters.
Excuse me? Let me read that again. Yes, it did say what I thought it said: “mothers sharing their stories of their first period.” Excuse me?
If I were a better mother than I am, I would have only focused on the purported benefits my daughter would receive from being a part of this menstruation tea. Instead, I find myself flashing back to my first period -- which, I must make perfectly clear, I have not thought about at all in approximately thirty-two years. Now, I remembered parts of it as if it were yesterday, especially the fact that I was wearing white Dittos saddle back jeans and was at pre-seventh grade summer school when it happened. I had thought it was weird that Clyde Noguchi kept glancing over at my below-the-waist area that day as we sat in our neat aisles of desk/chairs, and when I got home, I figured out why. I think I “celebrated” by opening the bathroom vanity and finding my older sister’s stash of maxi pads, and washing my white pants in cold water.
Apparently, now we are supposed to have a party to get ready for this life changing event. I’m not opposed to this, but it’s just very ... foreign to me. I grew up in a community where these things were handled in a more private way. Sure, we had sex education at school, and at home, my mother let me know what to expect, with my sister as living proof. It was low-key and matter-of-fact. I knew I could ask questions, and knew that my mom and sister had answers, if I wanted them. If there were teas about menstruation going on in my community when I was growing up, I sure didn’t know about them.
I suppose it is all about spin, trying to make this transition into something happy and celebratory. Frankly, just thinking about my menstrual cycle makes me cranky. So I guess I understand wanting to present this as something worth having a special party for, but it still seems odd to me. I suppose the message is, “Hurray! You are now at the point in your life when you can start having cramps, bloating, spend a cumulative fortune on sanitary pads and tampons, not to mention birth control (which you shouldn’t need because you better not be having sex anytime soon, but I’ll tell you about it anyway) and you can get pregnant whether you want to or not, even if you are using birth control. And don’t forget the mood swings -- that’s the best part! Yippee!”
If we don’t go to the party, I risk having my daughter being the only girl we know who, whenever she gets her period, doesn’t get all happy about it. She will be doomed to be like me. Crampy and cranky. Maybe it’s just me, but the only time I have been happy to start my period is when I was late and thought I might be pregnant when I did not want to be pregnant. And getting my period when I was actually trying to get pregnant? That was like a dagger to the heart. Crampy, cranky and devastated. Yes, maybe it’s just me. But the reality of having a menstrual period is just not something I have ever felt that celebratory about.
I try to think of an equivalent “tea” that dads would have with their sons to celebrate changes. What would they do? Get together and watch some porn? Put condoms on pickles? Break out the beer and buffalo wings? If this event exists, I want to see the Evite, which I imagine would read: “You are invited to a Big Boys’ Bash featuring Boobs & Buffalo Wings.” Now, let's go around the room and each dad can talk about his first wet dream; Gary, why don't you go first?
I know this is really not something my husband wants to discuss with me, but I feel compelled to draw him into this dilemma I am facing. We talk about it for a while, and he is appropriately engaged and supportive. I read him the email, including the part that pertains to him: “Also, if someone's mom is not available, it is fine for that girl to tag along with someone else. I don't find it works though if dad's attend - the women just aren't as comfortable."
I look up to see him trying to keep the smirk off his face. “Too bad ... you are not invited to the tea,” I said, in the saddest voice I could muster.
“Oh, darn,” he said, in the saddest voice he could muster. And a snicker. For my husband, I am sure this menstruation tea party is just another reason for him to be happy that he’s a guy. I want to wave my oh-yeah-but-you-don’t-get-to-experience-the-joy-of-childbirth flag in his face, but then I realize that this would just make him react in the same way: “Oh, darn.” But he would know better than to snicker.
Further down in the email, there is this line: “... be prepared for the girls to be giggly and say they don't want to come. It is up [to] the mum's to point out [that] this is NOT optional.” Hmmm. So it is mandatory that my daughter go to this, because it says so, right here, in writing? Or are they saying that giggling is NOT optional? What’s wrong with giggling? I like giggling! I don’t agree with either interpretation: for me and my daughter, we reserve the right not to attend, and to giggle if we feel like it, if we do decide to go.
After mulling it over for a couple days, I decide that I need to ask my daughter what she thinks about this. I try to act like I think it would be just lovely to sit around and listen to all the other mothers talk about their first periods. All the while I am thinking, isn’t this what is usually referred to as “too much information?” Do I really want to have some mom’s My First Menstrual Period story in the back of my mind every time I see her, as I am sure some of you will think about white Dittos the next time you see me? Do we really need these visuals of one another? Will they ever go away?
“So, honey, what do you think? A lot of your friends will be going. If you don’t go, you might be one of the few girls who don’t go. But either way is fine with me,” I say in my most reassuring and motherly voice.
“It sounds weird to me,” she says, scrunching up her cute little face, “I don’t think I want to go.”
“Okay, sweetie. Are you sure? If you want to, I’ll go with you ...”
“No, mom. That’s okay. It sounds weird.”
Whew. Dodged that one. I look at my daughter lovingly as I feel the burden of this decision lifted off my shoulders. I think my daughter and I might create our own family tradition and sit down for tea and cupcakes -- and our copy of Ready, Set, Grow: A What’s Happening to My Body Book for Younger Girls -- in the privacy of our own home. Or maybe we’ll wait on that for a while. I’m sure we’ll figure out when the timing is right for her ... and me. With or without tea and cupcakes, I think we’ll be just fine.
So, I waited. After a couple weeks, I received the pre-Evite email, which explained the format of the tea:
Part of the talk is going over what to expect in puberty (covering hair growth, body changes, breast development), a simple explanation of anatomy and periods and introduction to pads and tampons.
Okay. This sounds like it might be helpful, even though I am still in denial. I continue reading:
... The second part of the talk is mothers sharing their stories of their first period with the kids (on a voluntary basis of course). This is a vital part [of] opening communication between mothers and their daughters.
Excuse me? Let me read that again. Yes, it did say what I thought it said: “mothers sharing their stories of their first period.” Excuse me?
If I were a better mother than I am, I would have only focused on the purported benefits my daughter would receive from being a part of this menstruation tea. Instead, I find myself flashing back to my first period -- which, I must make perfectly clear, I have not thought about at all in approximately thirty-two years. Now, I remembered parts of it as if it were yesterday, especially the fact that I was wearing white Dittos saddle back jeans and was at pre-seventh grade summer school when it happened. I had thought it was weird that Clyde Noguchi kept glancing over at my below-the-waist area that day as we sat in our neat aisles of desk/chairs, and when I got home, I figured out why. I think I “celebrated” by opening the bathroom vanity and finding my older sister’s stash of maxi pads, and washing my white pants in cold water.
Apparently, now we are supposed to have a party to get ready for this life changing event. I’m not opposed to this, but it’s just very ... foreign to me. I grew up in a community where these things were handled in a more private way. Sure, we had sex education at school, and at home, my mother let me know what to expect, with my sister as living proof. It was low-key and matter-of-fact. I knew I could ask questions, and knew that my mom and sister had answers, if I wanted them. If there were teas about menstruation going on in my community when I was growing up, I sure didn’t know about them.
I suppose it is all about spin, trying to make this transition into something happy and celebratory. Frankly, just thinking about my menstrual cycle makes me cranky. So I guess I understand wanting to present this as something worth having a special party for, but it still seems odd to me. I suppose the message is, “Hurray! You are now at the point in your life when you can start having cramps, bloating, spend a cumulative fortune on sanitary pads and tampons, not to mention birth control (which you shouldn’t need because you better not be having sex anytime soon, but I’ll tell you about it anyway) and you can get pregnant whether you want to or not, even if you are using birth control. And don’t forget the mood swings -- that’s the best part! Yippee!”
If we don’t go to the party, I risk having my daughter being the only girl we know who, whenever she gets her period, doesn’t get all happy about it. She will be doomed to be like me. Crampy and cranky. Maybe it’s just me, but the only time I have been happy to start my period is when I was late and thought I might be pregnant when I did not want to be pregnant. And getting my period when I was actually trying to get pregnant? That was like a dagger to the heart. Crampy, cranky and devastated. Yes, maybe it’s just me. But the reality of having a menstrual period is just not something I have ever felt that celebratory about.
I try to think of an equivalent “tea” that dads would have with their sons to celebrate changes. What would they do? Get together and watch some porn? Put condoms on pickles? Break out the beer and buffalo wings? If this event exists, I want to see the Evite, which I imagine would read: “You are invited to a Big Boys’ Bash featuring Boobs & Buffalo Wings.” Now, let's go around the room and each dad can talk about his first wet dream; Gary, why don't you go first?
I know this is really not something my husband wants to discuss with me, but I feel compelled to draw him into this dilemma I am facing. We talk about it for a while, and he is appropriately engaged and supportive. I read him the email, including the part that pertains to him: “Also, if someone's mom is not available, it is fine for that girl to tag along with someone else. I don't find it works though if dad's attend - the women just aren't as comfortable."
I look up to see him trying to keep the smirk off his face. “Too bad ... you are not invited to the tea,” I said, in the saddest voice I could muster.
“Oh, darn,” he said, in the saddest voice he could muster. And a snicker. For my husband, I am sure this menstruation tea party is just another reason for him to be happy that he’s a guy. I want to wave my oh-yeah-but-you-don’t-get-to-experience-the-joy-of-childbirth flag in his face, but then I realize that this would just make him react in the same way: “Oh, darn.” But he would know better than to snicker.
Further down in the email, there is this line: “... be prepared for the girls to be giggly and say they don't want to come. It is up [to] the mum's to point out [that] this is NOT optional.” Hmmm. So it is mandatory that my daughter go to this, because it says so, right here, in writing? Or are they saying that giggling is NOT optional? What’s wrong with giggling? I like giggling! I don’t agree with either interpretation: for me and my daughter, we reserve the right not to attend, and to giggle if we feel like it, if we do decide to go.
After mulling it over for a couple days, I decide that I need to ask my daughter what she thinks about this. I try to act like I think it would be just lovely to sit around and listen to all the other mothers talk about their first periods. All the while I am thinking, isn’t this what is usually referred to as “too much information?” Do I really want to have some mom’s My First Menstrual Period story in the back of my mind every time I see her, as I am sure some of you will think about white Dittos the next time you see me? Do we really need these visuals of one another? Will they ever go away?
“So, honey, what do you think? A lot of your friends will be going. If you don’t go, you might be one of the few girls who don’t go. But either way is fine with me,” I say in my most reassuring and motherly voice.
“It sounds weird to me,” she says, scrunching up her cute little face, “I don’t think I want to go.”
“Okay, sweetie. Are you sure? If you want to, I’ll go with you ...”
“No, mom. That’s okay. It sounds weird.”
Whew. Dodged that one. I look at my daughter lovingly as I feel the burden of this decision lifted off my shoulders. I think my daughter and I might create our own family tradition and sit down for tea and cupcakes -- and our copy of Ready, Set, Grow: A What’s Happening to My Body Book for Younger Girls -- in the privacy of our own home. Or maybe we’ll wait on that for a while. I’m sure we’ll figure out when the timing is right for her ... and me. With or without tea and cupcakes, I think we’ll be just fine.
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