This is going to feel like a flashback to an earlier post, but really, I am not obsessed with pregnancy. Sure, I miss the days of unfettered eating, forty-pound weight gain, swollen ankles, the development of hips that were wider than my shoulders, and boobs that actually require a bra. The one thing I don't miss: boob sweat (which, since the aforementioned bigger-than-normal boobs were only temporary, I have not had to experience in over fourteen years).
Somehow, I got pregnant again. For about three-and-a-half hours. It all happened because a friend of a friend who is an artist was looking for women to participate in a photo shoot. Since one of her themes was women-and-aging, I must have seemed like a good pick, with my increasingly "silver" hair. The balance has definitely tipped to more "salt" than "pepper" in my hair color, and I have just accepted it and find humor in the instances when somebody mistakenly thinks I am wearing a Halloween witch wig. My "freckles" have somehow morphed into what I think would now be called "age spots," so I could do double-duty, if needed, within the aging narrative. When I met the artist, however, it was apparent that I didn't quite fit into what had been envisioned for me. Perhaps it was my height or my girth, but whatever the case -- I soon found myself trying on a dress that was a celebration of motherhood, complete with a baby bump. My pregnancy was instantaneous, as soon as I put on the polyfill-enhanced unitard, BOOM. Preggers!
Apparently, the artist, Kate Mitchell, liked the contradiction of an older, greying woman portraying a pregnant woman, and so it was. I was selected to wear the pregnancy dress.
A few weeks later, I arrived at 8 am, glad that nobody saw me without a lick of make-up on, driving around the artist loft neighborhoods of Emeryville -- ready for my transformation before the photo shoot. I was nervous and excited. Getting pregnant and unpregnant would definitely never be easier than this. Plus, I would get to have my hair and make-up done by a professional! I wondered what my new persona would look like.
As I sat in the chair, the make-up artist reads the instructions given for my look: natural -- like her, but more. "Oh, okay. Got it," she says and gets down to business. We talk about my amazing ability to not blink and flinch while she is putting on my eye make-up, which she attributes to my being a contact lens wearer. Contact lens wearers are good at not flinching. Make-up artists like that. I overhear bits and pieces of her talking to others in the room, and pick up that she has done make-up for The Lion King in San Francisco, and that she did the make-up for some of the female vocalists. It all sounds very glamorous. My make-up, however, looks very much like ... me, just a bit more smoothed out and softer looking. She didn't even cover up my dark eye circles, but I think that maybe the dark circles are part of my pregnant persona, so that would only add to my character portrayal.
We wait and wait for the photographers to be ready for us. When it is finally time to start, I get into my pregnancy garb and go downstairs. In addition to the baby bump unitard and beautifully artistic creaton of a dress, I have a flowy hood over my head, which makes me look and feel like a nun. Very Virgin Mary. Or that older sister on The Flying Nun. As I am waiting, I realize that I'm not standing like a pregnant woman -- I'm standing like a person with a pillow under my dress -- so I force the small of my back inward, shoulders backward, my chest outward, and -- voila! My back is in that uncomfortable "S" curve that we pregnant women have. Okay, now I'm feelin' it. I get into position and my directions are to be ... well, what is it? The photographer and Kate banter about this a bit, then Kate gestures with her hands at her sides, palms facing forward, taking a deep cleansing breath and closing her eyes in a meditative way. I think I hear somebody in the background chanting, "Ommmmm." Okay ... so I should be serene. And motherly. I am creating life. I am woman, hear me be serene. I'm sure a more naturally theatrical person would have been able to take this direction and perform it naturally -- but in my case, I felt stiff and I'm sure I looked even stiffer. My nun hood kept shifting every time I moved the hair out of my eyes, and I felt myself trying not to move so things would not fall out of place during the shot. I'm certain I looked like a cardboard cutout, even though I kept trying to be "loose." Fed up with this cardboard model he has been given, the photographer finally says, "Well ... what would Pee Wee Herman do?"
"Pee Wee Herman?" I'm thinking, hmmmm, Pee Wee is not what I would call serene, but I'll go with it, and I start singing, "Ba dun duh duh duh duh dun dun ... ba dun duh duh duh duh duuuhhh ... tequila!" doing the Pee Wee Herman dance in all my immaculately conceived glory. "Great! I like it!" says the photographer, clicking away. Go figure. I'm a bit confused, but it was fun to dance around, and I certainly wasn't stiff doing the Pee Wee Herman dance.
My part of the photo shoot is finished, at least until the group shot at the end, so I have the opportunity to watch all the other photo shoots, as well. To make sure my dress doesn't wrinkle, I have to stay standing the whole time, so it's good to have the entertainment of watching as the other women emerge from hair and make-up and pose for their shots. It's fun to see all of these women -- most of them dancers -- move and be expressive in such a natural way. There is a spicy, sexy, Temptress; a disheveled, fresh-from-a-romp, saucy Maid; the sweet and innocent Maiden; and the voluptuous, regal Vixen. And then, there's me. The Pregnant Lady. And, after standing up through everybody's photo shoots, a funny thing happened: my back started to hurt, just like when I was really pregnant! I bend over, stretching out to touch the air near the vicinity of my toes, and the saucy Maid reaches over to give me a back rub. I felt old and pregnant. Which, I guess, means I was playing my part well.
The book will release in November, and I will post a link at that time for anybody who is curious about how I looked ... I'm a little bit scared that my posing skills just weren't up to snuff, but I'm happy that I gave it a try. As a parent, I am always telling my kids that it's good to try new things, and I am glad I was able to walk-the-walk this time!
